Monday, April 11, 2016

Socialib Bernborg Brodudes Are Ruining America, Galaxy Hut

Meet Tad. He's in his early thirties, he's white, he lives in a major metropolitan city, he has a masters degree in the humanities, and he supports Bernie Sanders. On the surface, Tad seems like an educated, progressive, and even charming young man with a deep committment to feminism, one who just happens to support a different candidate than you do. If you met Tad, you'd probably like him, and think that in an ideal world we'd have a lot more men like him.

But ladies, repeat after me: Do. Not. Date. Tad.

If you spend any amount of time on Tinder or Twitter or Galaxy Hut in Clarendon just outside of DC, you're bound to run into guys like Tad. And while they may seem nice on the outside, these socialib Bernborg brodudes have plagued the global progressive movement basically since the beginning of time. They represent a distinct strain of privileged communist radicals who reject an intersectionalist understanding of identitarian oppression, who import into progressive discourse and organizing a toxic strain of white patriarchal hegemony, and who will not return your text until after eleven when he knows that it's too late to go out.

We face today a unique moment in American history: never before has the progressive movement been poised between such tremendous potential and such catastrophic danger. We only have a few precious decades yet to dramatically scale back our carbon emissions before we reach irreversible environmental tipping points in climate change that could wipe out civilization as we know it. Soaring economic inequality has concentrated so much wealth and power into so few hands that the United States is generally recognized as one of the most undemocratic democracies in the world. Civilian control of the police has degraded to the point that local law enforcement often resembles nothing so much as state-sanctioned white supremacist gangs waging open war on people of color. Waves of immigration from Latin America are crashing against our southern border every day, and the rising tide of humanitarian crisis threatens to wash away the openness and generosity that defines America at its best.

On top of all of that, when you've been dating someone you met on OKCupid for four weeks now, he should take down his profile or at least change his status to "in a relationship" instead of probably still messaging with other people.

The socialib Bernborg brodude doesn't care about incentivizing recycling programs with tax credits to small businesses, he doesn't care about pragmatic banking reform, he doesn't care about a system of police block-grants with built-in incentives for local departments that opt-in to racial sensitivity training, he doesn't care about shrinking sweeping deportation mandates into a smart technocratic approach that only microtargets for expulsion low-value workers, and he definitely does not care about not lying about watching the House of Cards episode I had to raincheck on but that he was supposed to wait for because we were supposed to be watching it together.

All of this is ultimately an expression of privilege that Tad's overly simplistic Marxist ideology just doesn't allow him to see. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines Marxism as "the political, economic, and social principles and policies advocated by Marx; especially; a theory and practice of socialism including the labor theory of value, dialectical materialism, the class struggle, and dictatorship of the proletariat until the establishment of a classless society". Notice anything missing? Nothing about misogynoir, nothing about pay discrepancies among our celebrities and CEOs, and nothing about at least wearing a polo to Alison's barbecue because I knew that it wasn't going to be t-shirt casual.

I'm sure a lot of you know exactly what I'm talking about when I bring up "Tad" type guys. Late-nineties Rob Thomas style hair, beard that he lets grow a little too high on the cheekbones, that whole look. Basically lives on protein bars, but only certain particular kinds with 30 grams of protein or more and low sugar / carb ratios, and then he'll order a Yuengling when you go out which is basically like eating a loaf of bread. Almost exclusively reads non-fiction, one of those "geography and biographies and college basketball retrospectives" kind of guys, and even if you talk him into going to see Hamilton he'll only say it was "okay". And he's always at Galaxy Hut now, even though he bartends at Iota and could just hang out with his coworkers there and it would be perfectly fine. Fuck you, Tad